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When Least Expected

October 18, 2011

It seems to be that all the things I really want life fall into the desired place when I’m not thinking about them. For example, up until I was twelve or so, I focused largely on my older sister’s unloving behavior towards me. I would try to spend time with her to better our relationship, but to no avail; she would still prefer to be with my brothers and my father. And I, was ignored altogether.

At the time, it was painful and confusing. I didn’t understand why she was so nice to my brothers and father, but when it came to me, she dismissed the idea of us having a relationship. At first, I thought it was because she’s five years my senior, but as I got older, I realized that she, quite simply, didn’t want me around. I cried about it for a long time, and even tried to force myself to be with her but, eventually, I grew to accept it.

Nowadays, I see my sister on a somewhat regular basis. When I see her, she’s so excited to see me and she wants to know how life has been for me. To be very blunt, I really couldn’t care less about whether or not she wants me in her life. She’s offered to let me get to know her friends, to stay in her apartment, and plenty of other things that I have no particular interest in anymore. She’s complemented me in ways that she never had when we were  living in the same household. I’m not even sure how to react when she’s nice to me because it feels so unnatural.

To make another point, I’ll use my hair as an example, from the time that I was thirteen until I turned fifteen, I largely focused on getting my hair to hold dreadlocks. I would twist my hair relentlessly, sculpting the coils with gel, mousse, holding spray and beeswax yet, as soon as I would move on to the next sections of hair, the first would unravel into a loose, straight, gelled mess. And I could forget about getting them wet; if they were exposed to any sort of moisture, I’d emerge with a shapeless, unflattering mass of curls.

Currently, I’ve had my coils in for about a month, give or take, and already there are buds sprouting on a few locks. Buds, to those of you that are unfamiliar with the term, are small protuberances of hair, about the size of a small pea. They are either pliable or firm, depending upon the texture of one’s hair and they are firmly attached to the rest of the forming lock. I shampoo my hair weekly and wet it whenever I feel the need to, which is just about every day for some reason or another. It may even be multiple times a day depending upon the temperature and whether or not I’ve exercised that day.

To get to my point, both of the aforementioned scenarios exemplify times wherein I put so much of my energy towards something, only to be disappointed each time. Then, when I relinquished my care, occurred at an expeditious rate. Of course, there are plenty of other examples from my life I could use, but that would make this post much longer than I would like it to be. So, in summation, I’ll say this: let go of what you really want in life, because when you’re not looking, it will appear faster than you could have ever imagined.

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